Deadbeat DesElms

[Armando Ramos]

What does Elmer have in common with Goose? While I was out in Indiana recently I did a little research and found the answer. Both have six figure judgments against them in favor of banks.

In Elmer's case, it's the NBD Bank who obtained a civil judgment in Superior Court #3 in Gary, Indiana back on December 7, 1995 for $120,795. Back then Elmer was using the address 8101 Polo Club Dr. #375, Merrrillville, Indiana 46410-5310.

(NBD Bank became Bank One, which now is JPMorgan Chase.)

At his going rate of $40K a piece (no pun intended), that's about three hookers' worth of debt for Elmer. You would think he might have at least asked for the group rate.

BTW, back around 1991, when Elmer was living at 66 Salt Creek Rd., Roselle, Illinois 60172-1420 (Dupage County), his Illinois driver's license stated his height at 6'-01" and his weight as 225 lbs., brown hair and blue eyes.

Next time I'm out in Berkeley, California, I'll ask the UPS Store at 2342 Shattuck Avenue where they are forwarding Elmer's mail to this week.

[Randall Flagg]

$120,000, now that buys a lot of meat. I wonder if the antibiotics come with the fees or if they are extra.

[Herbert Spencer]

$120,000, now that buys a lot of meat. I wonder if the antibiotics come with the fees or if they are extra.

DesElms went to the doctor for his yearly physical. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells DesElms "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample." DesElms gave him his underwear.

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An Asian hooker said to DesElms, "According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people masturbate in the shower. Only ten percent of them sing."

"Really?" asked DesElms.

The hooker nodded her head and proceeded to ask, "And do you know what song they sing?"

DesElms shook his head and replied, "No."

The hooker replied, "I didn't think so."

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DesElms went to see a highly recommend psychiatrist. The doctor showed Elmer an inkblot and asked, "What does this remind you of?"

DesElms replied, "A naked Asian hooker!"

Then the shrink showed Elmer another inkblot and asked him the same question. DesElms responded, "A naked Asian hooker on a bed!"

This went on and on, inkblot after inkblot. The psychiatrist finally said to DesElms, "You are a sick pervert."

DesElms replied, "I'm not the pervert here. You're the one who keeps showing me all of those dirty pictures."

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DesElms was in his hospital bed and had been getting many tests done. After several days of hospitalization, a nurse finally came into his room and stated, "Mr. DesElms, I have some bad news and some good news. Which do you want to hear first?"

DesElms solemnly replied, "Well, tell me the bad news first."

The nurse said, "The bad news is that your HMO refuses to pay for you to have an enema. But, the good news is that Chip White will be in shortly to slap the shit right out of you."

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An Asian hooker went to the doctor complaining of terribly bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questioned her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me about. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?"

"Well," the woman said a little sheepishly, "my best customer Gregg DesElms and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night."

"That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know."

"Not if you're going to watch television, there ain't!" she replied.

[Little Arminius]

Is Gregg "Elmer" DesElms back posting somewhere? Last I remember he was supposedly severely injured from a fall from a ladder or some similar tale of woe.